Lizzie's Tale Read online

  She heard her Mum and David come home but begged to be left alone, saying she had a headache. Two hours later came a knock on the front door, it was Julie. She asked if Lizzie was home. Her mother brought Julie to the bedroom and asked her to be quiet because Lizzie had a headache.

  Julie closed the door and came and sat next to her on the bed. “Where did you go? Martin and the other boys said you felt sick and decided to catch the bus home. I did not know whether to believe them; there was something funny, a sort of smirk about the way they said it. I was too drunk and fuzzy to really question them. But here you are, safe and sound, so they must have been right. Are you OK now?”

  Lizzie turned her face away and buried it in the pillow, what was the use of saying anything? Like they said, no one would believe her. She felt so ashamed, she wanted to pretend that it had never happened; she wanted everyone to go away and leave her alone.

  Julie kept trying to talk to her and she kept turning her face away, struggling to hold back the tears. Finally Julie said. “There is something wrong, isn’t there? Why won’t you tell me? I am your friend. I thought you were my friend too; friends tell each other these things.”

  Lizzie replied. “I don’t want friends like you, rich spoilt kids, who have never had to work for anything, who think they can do whatever they like and get away with it. I hate you and I hate all your friends. I just want you to go away and never come back. Go now, please, and don’t come back here anymore.”

  Julie had a shocked and stricken look on her face. Lizzie realised what she had said had really hurt her; it was not her fault what had happened, she just did not understand what it was like to be poor and have to fight the world and all the rotten people who lived in it. Julie trusted people and did not realise how some people were all bad inside.

  But now Lizzie was determined to be left alone. Friends like Julie would only cause trouble, and still more trouble. Julie looked like she wanted to plead or ask more. So Lizzie hissed. “Just go, like I said, I don’t want to talk to you again, ever.”

  The door closed. Lizzie was alone.

  The next day a note came from Julie, saying she was sorry for whatever she had done and still really wanted to be friends. Lizzie burnt the note, but put her own note inside the envelope. ‘Leave Me Alone!!’ She marked it, ‘Return to Sender’.

  After that she did not hear from Julie any more. She also stopped talking to her other friends from school. She did not want to go out; she did not want to see other people.

  The next week she started her job in the factory in Pyrmont.

  Chapter 5 - Lizzie Runs Away

  Lizzie found the work at Pyrmont was an escape from sitting in her room at home, talking to no one. She was glad that it started on the Monday, after the weekend when it happened.

  The work was boring but not hard and the people were friendly even though there was little time to talk, only a ten minute morning tea and a half hour lunch. Lizzie had the job of packing boxes of appliances; putting each appliance in its own box, making sure there was an electrical cord, then sticking the right label on the box. She sat alongside three other middle aged women who did the same thing. Another lady stacked all the boxes into a much larger box. When each large box was full it was put onto a conveyor belt which carried it to a storage room below. Here they stacked the large boxes for delivery to shops.

  Lizzie was happy to have this job, the work occupied her mind and body without needing to think or talk. They all needed to watch what they were doing and go as fast as they could. They had a quota to meet and got a small bonus for extra production, which was important to the other ladies. So it took all Lizzie’s concentration to keep up and do her share. As she got faster the ladies became friendly; they could see she was trying as hard as they were and earning her keep.

  They started to tell her little things about themselves and their families and asked her about her own family. She said that she had a mother and small brother but her father was dead. Now she needed to earn money to pay her share. They all understood this, for all of them life was hard too. Each Friday one of the ladies brought little cakes in for morning tea. When her turn came around Lizzie did this too, using her Mums chocolate cup cake recipe. After this they treated her like one of them and Lizzie gained a sense of camaraderie if not friendship.

  A few boys at the factory tried to talk to her. She knew at least one wanted to ask her out. But she repulsed them all, turning away from them with dismissive indifference.

  At home Lizzie made a special effort to talk to her Mum about ordinary things and play with David. But she had stopped going out, even at weekends when not working. She stayed in her room and declined all invitations to do other things. She had become silent and solitary, sometimes walking out by herself, but avoiding all other contact. She would no longer go to church with her mother and brother. When they suggested this she had a manner which was cold and hard, leaving no room for argument. Her mother knew something was wrong but was unable to penetrate Lizzie’s fiercely guarded privacy, so she left her alone.

  A month went by and then another, and then it was three months. The angry hardness remained unchanged, but now people had stopped trying to engage her and just left her alone. The only people she talked to were the four other people at her work and her mother and brother and, even then, the conversation was limited to a few polite phrases.

  After about three months Lizzie started to wonder why she was not getting her periods any more. She did not know much about babies, but had a vague awareness that what had happened to her could make a baby. She tried not to think about it, determined not to remember that night, let alone think about any consequences.

  By four months she could not longer hide from herself what was happening to her body, her tummy was starting to push out and she could no longer pull it in, even though other people could not see this yet. Her breasts were also tingling and had changed shape and colour. But as no one else could see it, she tried not to think about it or what the future would hold. By five months it was becoming hard to hide, particularly from her mother and her friends. She knew now, for definite, that a baby was growing inside her, she had not been to the doctor or talked to anyone about it, but when she looked in the mirror there was no hiding it.

  She wore loose fitting clothes that made it hard for others to see the changes. She kept even more to herself, staying in her room at home. She now started to feel little movements inside her and realised these were baby movements, this was a living person not some horrible object.

  At first she had felt hatred for this thing, which symbolised her spoilage. Now she found her attitude was changing, she could no longer sustain this hatred as she felt this moving life grow. It was not the fault of this poor little hidden creature. Gradually it became her new friend, she started to tell it stories and sing it songs. In a strange way this gave her solace and made what happened easier to bear.

  Now she knew this could not go on for much longer, once the people at the factory found out she would be asked to leave. She also knew if her Mum and other people she knew in Balmain found out she would be made to go to a place for unmarried mothers and give the baby up for adoption. She could not bear the thought of this. People had betrayed her trust. But it only made her more determined; she would not desert and betray this child, she would find a way to keep it for herself.

  She had heard the stories of what happened to other girls who got pregnant, they were made go and work at the local nunnery until their babies were born, then the babies were taken away and adopted out.

  She had heard these stories, going around the school and amongst the neighbours, and she half knew a couple other girls around her age this had happened to, they had dropped out of school and largely disappeared to have their babies, and then she had seen them later without any child and somehow seeming profoundly sad, but still carrying their shame in the mutters and gossip which followed them.

  She had never thought much about how it must feel before.
Now a sense of outrage began to grow in her, the idea of being further punished for this awful thing that had been done and that another innocent life would also be made to suffer, torn away from its mother made her both sad, angry and determined.

  So she began to form a plan, she knew that in another month or two the secret would come out and she must be ready to go away before then. She did not think she could stay in Sydney. It was a big city, but sooner or later she was bound to run into someone who knew her and have to explain what she was doing. Then the baby would be found out. They would, almost certainly, take it away from her, saying she was too young and could not support her own child.

  She knew she needed money to go away. Since she had been working her mother had insisted that she keep half her wages. Now she had over forty pounds in the bank. If she kept working for another two months she would have almost seventy pounds, it did not seem like a vast sum, but it would have to do.

  She turned her attention to where to go. If not Sydney could she go to a country town or another city?

  She rejected Newcastle out of hand, Martin came from there and she could not bear the thought of seeing him again, or him seeing her, particularly now with her bloated belly. She doubted it would occur to him that it was his; no doubt he and his friends had done the same to other girls before and since. She knew she was not their first conquest; they were far too smug and sure for that. But it would justify his opinion that she was a woman of low morals who would do it with anyone. Plus she had a burning hatred for him; she thought she might try to stick him with a knife if the chance came. Better not to go there.

  Other country towns were not a real option; in them everyone knew everyone’s else’s business and gossiped about. So that left big cities like Brisbane, Adelaide and Melbourne. She preferred the idea of Melbourne; it was easier to get to with the train and it was bigger than the others.

  And, though it was a small thing, her mother’s brother lived there. She had liked him the couple times she had met him as a little girl, she had his address. Even though she did not intend to see him or let him know, it was comforting to have a family member in the same city if things ever got really desperate. She was sure, deep down, that if she really needed his help, he would not turn her away.

  So that was it; when the time came and she must leave she would already have her bag packed with things to live on, a few clothes and some packets of cheap biscuits for the trip, so that she could conserve her precious money.

  She found a battered old bag in the cupboard, something she thought her mother would not miss, and put in it as many of her spare clothes as she could manage to do without. Alongside these she placed the new dress her mother had bought her, the one really nice dress she owned, even though it did not fit her now that her stomach had got big. But hopefully she could wear it again one day and send a photo of her and her baby to her Mum to let them know she was OK when the time came. She took her few other precious things, the old purse from when she was eight, a couple trinkets of jewellery, a faded photo of her with her Mum and Dad when she was little and a couple of her favourite books. That was enough; she had to be able to carry it easily.

  Next morning when she went to work she placed this bag in her locker. That way, when they gave her notice and sent her away, she could leave without going home; better that way.

  The work continued and somehow she managed to keep the baby hidden from her mother and David. Her other friends had given up on her so there were no problems there.

  By about six months she had a sense that the ladies working with her probably knew but, whether out of kindness or something else, they said nothing. Now she avoided going to places where other people met, she would stay and have her morning tea and lunch in the work area and try to do a bit of extra work done to boost the bonus, every little bit helped.

  By seven months she realised she was living on borrowed time; it was getting really hard to hide. Only by coming directly to the factory room where they worked and wearing a big overcoat, could it remain unknown. She was sure the other ladies knew but they chose not to ask her.

  One day a factory meeting was called for everyone to attend. Lizzie did not want to go, but was told she must. She put on her coat. It was a warm in the factory, even though it was cold outside and she could feel herself uncomfortable in the heat. She stood as far to the back as she could, in a corner behind some boxes, to keep out of sight. Union officials were talking about safety at work and the danger of unprotected machines. It went on and on.

  Lizzie started to feel dizzy, she had been in a rush this morning and her breakfast had been missed. Now that the baby was getting big she found she needed to eat more and more often. She could feel herself begin to sway. She grabbed some boxes for support.

  In her panic she dislodged a large box. It fell to the floor with a loud noise. Everyone stopped talking and turned to look where she was. Now she was really dizzy and was swaying for all to see. The people gathered round and a big man took her arm to support her. Someone else insisted on taking off her coat, protests were useless. She was led to a chair. As she was sat into it her swollen belly was there for all to see.

  There was whispering, the secret was out. Eventually the meeting continued. At the end of the meeting the floor manager asked her to come to his office. He indicated to a chair. Lizzie sat down. He said to her, “You know it is a condition of employment that pregnant women cannot work here. You clearly should have told me months ago. So you have to finish up now.”

  He handed her a pay packet saying. “Even though I don’t have to, I have paid your wages for the rest of the week, and the women from your group have come to me and asked that their bonus for this week is all paid to you, so I hope that helps a little. It is lunch in half an hour so you can stay until the end of lunch to say goodbye to your friends, but you must leave then.

  Lizzie felt tears pricking her eyes, partly in gratitude for the unexpected kindness from this man and her fellow workers, partly because of a sense of loss and loneliness, knowing that her future support was torn away and from here she had to do this all on her own. Another part of her felt relief, knowing the need to live a lie was over.

  So she goodbye and hugged her friends, who could now openly pat her belly and give her best wishes for herself and her child. The she took her bag and trudged down Harris Street to Central Railway, from where the train departed to Melbourne.

  At the ticket office she found that a ticket to Melbourne was twelve pounds and that the next train left after seven o’clock in the evening, so she had more than six hours to wait. She sat on a bench in the huge hall of the station.

  She felt so on her own, daunted by the challenge of going to a strange city where she knew almost no one, finding a place to live and a way to support herself until her baby was born and then raising a child by herself while supporting herself. Part of her just wanted to catch the bus back to Balmain and tell her Mum and let her look after her, it would be such a relief not to have to keep this a secret from her anymore.

  But she knew that this would result in her baby being taken away and she could not bear for this to happen. This person was now her friend and nothing would come between them.

  She wiped her eyes with her hanky and steeled herself to be brave. It came to her what she should do this afternoon. Since telling Julie to go away she had a bad feeling about it. Now she could not bear to have this between them, still ruining their friendship. She had been scared before that Julie would try to stop her having or keeping her baby.

  But now that was past, she was leaving and it was past time for any interference or pity. She wanted to see her friend again, tell her she did not hate her, smile and laugh with her one more time and say goodbye; their lives were on different paths now that were unlikely to cross again.

  Julie was staying at the Presbyterian Ladies College at Croydon. There was a train to Croydon; it took less than an hour from Central, it was a station before Strathfield. Once she got there someon
e could tell her where the school was. If she arrived just before when classes finished for the day and asked politely she was sure that someone would call her friend and let Lizzie talk to her.

  So she went to the suburban train platform and waited for the next train which stopped at Croydon Station. Once there she got directions to the school. It was a long walk, particularly carrying her bag. But she had plenty of time. So she went slowly, resting on seats a couple times.

  It was three o’clock when she came to the school office. Someone said that classes would be finished in less than half an hour and sent a message to Julie’s class for her to come to reception when it finished. Lizzie sat and waited, lost in a dream of might have beens, as she watched these bright and pretty girls coming and going.

  There was a familiar voice and a scream of delight. She looked around; her back was turned as she sat facing the other way. She got to her feet, her movements cumbersome. She turned to her friend, whose face was covered in an infectious smile of delight.

  As she took it all in Julie’s face crumpled, “Oh Lizzie, Lizzie, what has happened? Is this why you would not talk to me?

  Lizzie suddenly wished she had not come; why did she think her friend should know this?. She felt so shamed. She wanted to run and hide. She wanted Julie to stop seeing her this way and only to remember her the way she had been before.

  But Julie did not stop; she kept coming and wrapped her arms around her friend. She hugged Lizzie to her, cradling her head as if she was the most precious thing in the world. Lizzie hugged her back.

  Julie’s face was stricken; it was as if her mind had taken her half formed suspicions of something bad happening on that night, and turned them into a sudden and coherent understanding. She kept her arms wrapped around Lizzie and now she was crying.